This takes the biscuit

I wrote a while back about meaningless corporate speak (bullshit) but I never thought I’d find a whole passage that wasn’t a joke, where no meaning could be derived.

In response to a 2degrees forum question: “How do you use GHG emissions ratios to ‘communicate’ with stakeholders?”, this is what a consultant responded with.

“I think the best way may be to determine your internal materiality value. Once you have that value then you can better benchmark your ratio with other companies. As I think without that it will be a pointless exercise. Furthermore, I think engaging and preparing reporting depends on what your material aspect is for your stakeholders, this can actually be done with some of empirical research exercise with a sample of stakeholders, both internal and external stakeholders. Roughly you may do this by surveys or focus groups or such similar research activities. Once this has been established then you can actually present the information in ratio format. I think one more interesting thing can be to present your ratio performance with the benchmarked value or by several deviation representation.”

A complete failure in communication; the person who asked the question is not in expert in GHG emissions, sustainability carbon management nor corporate bullshit;┬ábut more importantly he hasn’t even answered the question.

Quit the platitudes kids.

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Corporate Bollocks

In one single meeting I listened to some talk about “bottlenecks”, “critical pathways” and “appendices to the protocol”. This corporate bullshit has become all too common for my liking. The piece by The Guardian, found via the link below showed me that I’m often guilty of this sin. Going forward I need to leverage my competencies to work on this issue. Bollocks!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/apr/25/top-10-worst-management-speak

One of the comments reads as:

“It’s critical that we get onboard dynamic collaborative tools to leverage the underlying global paradigms of emergent vertically-stacked diagonal horizontals and evolve their scalable synergies to the point where we can empower ourselves to deploy a road-map for entry into multiple collateral pipelines.”

This man deserves a medal or at least some medical attention; I’m surprised he didn’t get a hernia after squeezing that one out.